We are living in the most unsettling of times right now with mounting fears on various fronts often wreaking havoc on our well-being – mentally, emotionally and physically and financially. People are being polarized into 2 camps. Some people are afraid to catch COVID or infect someone they love and have them gravely ill or worse die. On the other side, more are afraid of the constraints being placed on their human rights and freedoms with mandatory rules – masks, isolation and lockdowns than this virus.

These two opposing views can rip asunder the most solid relationship, if not navigated carefully. With an unprecedented amount of concerning uncertainty and conflict, it may be a challenge for a relationship to survive, let alone thrive.

This is for those who are up for that challenge.

Let’s face it full on. Although your relationship is meant to be your safe place, your supportive sanctuary, it is also designed to be where you are called to deal with the your own ‘stuff’ around intimacy and vulnerability. Much like a garden left untended, it will wither or get smothered with weeds. Unresolved issues are your weeds to root out. Unspoken thoughts and feelings will dry up your relationship.

A relationship takes work. Here is some of that work for the willing.

1. Take Blame off the Table – It often natural to want to deflect or project your upset and pain onto someone else and your partner is most likely the ideal candidate as they are right there. Your hurt is like a hot potato to be handed off quickly. Yet blaming never solves anything and only pushes you further apart with one or both being vilified and victimized. Consider that everyone is partially right. Then take 100% responsibility for how you feel, what you say and do. That is empowering. A 50-50 relationship where the basis is ‘you do this and I’ll do that’ is not as powerful as one where both give 100% to the relationship. Be a power couple.
2. Don’t Take Things Personally – A young child is egocentric with the whole world evolving around them and as one matures, deeper empathy and compassion is developed towards others – making things less about “me”. Yet, at times everyone will go back to younger behaviors and feel that what their partner does or says is a personal slight or attack. Your partner and you come together with an entire lifetime of past experiences – the good, bad and ugly and when you are together only the edges of all of that touch each other. It’s not all about you. In those moments, the work is to separate out what is yours and what is theirs. Share your insights as to what opens your heart or closes it.
3. Build a Bridge – You both are together because you connected on common ground and right now, there is a chasm of concerns that are separating you. Agree to separately, make a list of all the things you have loved about your togetherness, those special times, conversations, places and events where you deeply felt connected, in love and happy. Take your time and then more time, to remember more moments.Next, come together in a sacred ambient manner and share item by item, back and forth. Remember to share each moment as deeply as you can. You were brought together in love and you need to keep going back to the foundational feeling of why you chose each other. Love will be your bridge.
4. Never Compromise – A house built on a compromised foundation will crumble to the ground when the ground shakes and right now we are all on shaky ground. When you compromise on what you need and value, ultimately only resentment will be built. Instead learn to negotiate.When it looks like you both have reached an impasse on an issue, take a closer look. Be curious, stay curious – this is your key. Inquire as to what is important for you to know about your partner’s adamant position. The rule is to not judge or retort or invalidate what the other has to say. Make sure you both follow that rule of engagement. When you are truly curious and seeking more understanding, you will start to see what is underneath the positions. It could be a core value e.g. freedom, love, connection or a fear e.g. safety, worthiness, death. Identify it and then see where in your life, you have that same value or fear – just differently. You want to find common ground again even though the surface issue or situation is not same. You want to connect and come together on what is important to both of you. Once you have this piece, then seek ways to satisfy the underlying value or fear where both of you are ok with the solution. Be creative.If one wants to visit grandma and the other does not – both are still actually coming from love even though on the surface one has a fear of killing her and the other a fear of her dying from loneliness or has a heart yearning for connection. What works for both of you to give the love and connection you all need? Find a way.
5. Understand Your Relationship with Death – With all the ominous death toll stats being broadcast daily and hourly, it is no wonder people are so scared. Never has death been so alive in our consciousness, on such a global scale. The fact is – none of us gets out alive. Our bodies are not eternal, only flesh and bones. Some people are so afraid of dying they forget to live and try to avoid the inevitable. Death is as much a part of what we all must embrace, as is living. It’s risky either way – so much unknown, so much pain and with both is also the reflection of deep love. Choose carefully the hill you are willing to die on, especially when it comes to your relationship and family.This inquiry is not about death wishes but more about how you want to live your life right here and right now. How will you be remembered? What is your legacy for your loved ones? What are your beliefs on soul and spirit?Right now, we are all already in some state of grieving some form of loss – a job, a family member, your personal space and freedom, a love. Acknowledge that and let it lead you forward. Grief is our way to honour the dead or dying.

   When you allow yourself to truly grieve your losses, it will ultimately pass in nonlinear stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Study them, make friends with each stage and find your peace with it all. This too shall pass, as will you and I. Nothing is ever permanent except love in it’s many mysterious forms. The work of relationship is seldom easy otherwise more people would do it. Yet, it is so much more rewarding to deepen your intimacy and love. Be resourceful – read books, take courses; seek professional support if you must. Just be willing to grow in love. And above all, have hope.

Written by a Toronto-based certified relationship coach